Ashes To Ashes

---

Book excerpt

Chapter One

The streets were empty. Under normal circumstances, he found comfort among the crowds. Friends and strangers alike, it didn't matter to Todd. As long as he was surrounded by people, he felt at home.

But for what he was about to do, he needed solitude. He didn't want anyone to judge him or try to talk him out of it.

No pedestrians, no traffic. With the exception of the bars, Aspen Falls was the kind of town that rolled up the carpets by ten o’clock. This usually annoyed Todd to the point where he bitched about it on a regular basis. But now he was grateful.

It was just after midnight when Todd left the bar. Though he had no idea how long it took him to get to Lakeside Drive from downtown, he figured it was at least an hour. Not that it was far from where he’d started but he took his time as he made his way through the streets, trying to prolong the inevitable. He wanted to make sure this was what he wanted. He’d even stopped at a small, all-night diner to get a coffee for the journey. Todd had detoured by the lake. Partly to feel the cool breeze coming off the water. Partly because the sound of waves lapping against the shore relaxed him. Mostly because he wanted to enjoy his last day, sipping his coffee as he admired the vast expanse of water connecting with the black sky in the distance.

This route was out of his way. He had to walk in the wrong direction to get to Nordin Lake and the sidewalk running along the beach bypassed downtown completely, eventually connecting to Lakeside Drive. Right at the overpass.

During the day, this spot was a hive of activity. Couples out for a romantic walk; people out with their dogs; swimmers, bikers, and rollerbladers getting their daily exercise. There was a playground for children and benches for their parents or people who just wanted a place to read. At night, it was a ghost town, quiet except for the waves crashing against the beach.  

The overpass connected Lakeside drive, probably the busiest road in the city, to the downtown core. As it sloped upward, it was flanked by a grassy hill on both sides. During the cold, Ontario winters, it was a popular spot for sledding. Todd thought about bringing his own kids here, but there was no chance of that now.

Closer to the rounded peak, the hill disappeared, making it look as if nothing supported the bridge, though Todd knew there were several cement pillars underneath him. The railing, only a foot and a half or so tall, sat on top of a cement wall, bringing it to Todd’s chest. Just tall enough for him to rest in his arms as he leaned against it and looked down at the train tracks below. He tried to gauge the distance. He figured it could be anywhere from sixty to eighty feet. Maybe more. It was hard to tell in the darkness, the streetlights not reaching far enough to illuminate much more than the road itself. 

He reached into his jacket pocket, thinking it odd he had to wear a jacket in August. But the summer wind during the nights made it too chilly for just a T-shirt. He felt around until his hand clamped around the rectangular box. He pulled out a cigarette and put it between his lips and lit it. He took a long, deep drag and looked out into the distance, seeing lights across the lake and wondering what they might be.

He checked the road, wondering if a car might pass by. Maybe the others had noticed he’d left and went looking for him.

Not likely, he reminded himself. They were hammered by the time he walked away during an intermission. They probably finished the last set without him. It wasn’t like he was essential anyway. Rick probably took over on rhythm guitar and made do without a lead. Maybe Jeff would just copy his riffs on the bass while Rick did his solos. 

Either way, they would go on without him as if they never needed him.

Just like everyone else in his life.

His parents. His brother. His wife. His kids. All of them going on without him, reminding him he was more of a hindrance and they would all be better off if he didn’t exist.

Up until a few hours ago, he thought his music was all he had left. But he didn’t even have that anymore. Not really. He thought he could be satisfied spending the rest of his life playing in shitty bars for twenty people who felt the music was nothing more than background noise, too loud to allow them decent conversation. Women were annoyed they couldn’t hear the gossip over the band. Guys got pissed off because the women they were trying to pick up couldn’t hear their clever lines. 

Todd knew his songs were worth more than that. 

The songs he wrote were as much a part of him as the blood flowing through his veins. If one were to take every song he wrote and read the lyrics, starting from the earliest and ending with the most recent, it would recite his entire sad, pathetic life. But no one cared about that. It took too many years to realize it, but he finally did and now even his dreams have been stripped from him and he saw no reason to go on.

There was a certain freedom in the knowledge that his pain would be over soon. The burden built up over thirty-five years was lifting and he felt infinitely better. 

It was now or never. If he waited too long he might lose his nerve. Taking one last drag off the cigarette, he flicked it away, watching the glow of the cherry as it fell until it disappeared into the darkness below. He stepped on the cement wall, letting his shins rest against the railing as he spread out his arms. Closing his eyes, he let the wind blow against him one last time.

Todd relaxed his body, leaning forward, waiting until he could feel the weight of his upper body carry him over. What if this isn't high enough to kill me? he thought. What if I just end up hurting myself so bad I'm stuck lying there in pain with no one to help me. He pushed the thought out of his head, dismissing it as nothing more than his survival instinct kicking in. He kept falling forward, waiting until the there was nothing under his feet.

“I wouldn’t do that if I were you!”

The voice came from nowhere, startling him and almost knocking him the rest of the way over, but he managed to catch himself. He stabilized himself on the wall, and looked around for the source of the voice.

As far as he could tell, he was alone. There was no movement on the road. As soon as he decided the voice was in his head, he heard it again.

“Trust me. It hurts like a bitch!”

He looked up to the sky. Had he just heard the voice of God? Was this the Lord intervening at the last second because He had a divine purpose for Todd’s life? Was everything those holy rollers told him over the years true? Did Jesus love him enough to step in and prevent him from taking his own life? Did He use words like “bitch?”

“Down here, dummy!”

Todd looked down. He could barely make out the form of a man lying on the tracks.

He stared, trying to decide if what he was seeing was real or if his mind had invented this image as a way of distracting him from his goal, as if his subconscious were trying to tell him not to go through with it.

“Hey! While you’re trying to figure out whether to take the plunge or not, would you mind coming down here and keeping me company for bit? I’m kinda lonely."

More out of morbid curiosity than a willingness to help a fellow human in need, Todd walked back over to the hill, climbed over the railing, and made the descent, running only because the steep incline propelled him forward.

The tracks were guarded by a fence, but it was easily scaled with years of practice during his youth, even with the lack of light. Once over, he found the man with relative ease, though he found it difficult to believe that someone in his condition could speak, let alone yell at the volume required to reach up to the overpass.

The prognosis wasn’t good. The man didn’t seem to have much life left in him. His still being alive was a miracle in itself.

Todd bent over him. There was enough light for him to see the man was wearing a suit. Or what was left of one, anyway. It had been considerably torn when he landed and had several splotches of blood on the white shirt. Probably on the jacket and pants too, but it was harder to tell since they were black.

The man lay on his back, one arm above his head, the other across his chest. One of his legs was bent in a way it shouldn't have been able to bend and, since the man's pants were torn, Todd could see part of the bone poking through flesh. The sight made him want to vomit, but he managed to hold it in, though it took him a while to regain his composure and speak.

“What the hell happened to you?” he asked, though he was pretty sure he knew the answer.

“Same thing that was about to happen to you.” His voice was much stronger than it should have been under the circumstances. Not to mention he should have been in incredible amounts of pain, though he didn’t even seem to notice it.

“You jumped?”

The man nodded, but it was a struggle for him to do so.

“Why would you do something stupid like that?”

The stranger let out a laugh. “Like you’re one to talk. I’m pretty sure you weren’t admiring the view up there.”

Todd said nothing. What could he say? The guy was right. Though, at the moment his problems weren’t at the forefront of his mind. His curiosity took over and he was more concerned with finding out how someone could survive the drop and not be in any pain.

“Dude!” Todd shouted at him. “Look at your leg. How are you not howling in pain right now?”

The man chuckled again. He reached into his pocket, slowly, removing a bag of grayish powder. “This shit,” he said, “is better than any pain killer you’d ever get in a hospital, let me tell you. I’ve been snorting it non-stop since I’ve been down here.” This time the laugh was louder, almost booming. “I feel fucking great.” He held the bag out to Todd. “Want some?”

Todd shook his head. He wasn’t about to throw a whole drug-free year down the toilet for anything, no matter how great this guy claimed it made you feel.

“What’s the harm? Not like you plan on living much longer anyway. Might as well go out feeling like a million bucks.”

“What is that? Coke?”

“Coke’s got nothing on this, my friend. This is ash.”

“Never heard of it.”

“Me neither. Though, to be honest, I'm not exactly part of the drug culture. I was just looking for something to give me the courage to take the leap. When I finally tracked down a dealer, this is what he offered me. It cost me a shitload of money, but man do I feel amazing.”

“I’ll pass. Thanks anyway.”

“Suit yourself,” the guy said, dipping his finger into the bag and shoving it, now full of the gray powder, into his nose and taking a big snort. “God, that feels good.”

Todd had forgotten about his suicide plan, and when his mind gently reminded him, he pushed it aside for the time being. He had more important things to attend to.

“We have to get you some help, man. Hang on.” Todd pulled his cellphone from his coat pocket. He flipped it open and started to dial.

“What the hell?” he said when nothing happened. He pressed a few more buttons but the screen remained black. “Shit. Must have died.”

“I’m guessing this is just adding to an already shitty day.”

“Shitty life,” Todd corrected.

The man smiled. “Well, look at the bright side. Things can’t get any worse.”

“You know, the fact that you’re lying there talking to me when you should be dead is really creeping me the fuck out.”

“Sorry. I’ll try to be less creepy.” The man smiled.

Todd, despite the gravity of the situation, smiled as well. It was hard not to like someone who kept a sense of humour under the most dire of circumstances. Though it made him wonder what might have happened to drive such a person to leap off a bridge. This guy’s issues must make his own seem like small potatoes.

“Come on,” Todd said.

“Where?”

“I have to get you to a hospital.”

“No. No hospital.”

“What? You’re just going to lay there until you finally die?”

“That was the plan.”

“Seriously, you need a doctor.”

“Yeah. There’s a good idea. I’ve got enough drugs in me to kill a small animal. The first thing he’ll do is call the cops, and as soon as I'm better, I’ll get to share a jail cell with a big guy named Bubba. I think I’ll take my chances out here, thank you very much.”

Todd sighed. Had he been a stronger person, he would have considered throwing him over his shoulder and carrying him to a hospital. But, being the tall, lanky guy he was, he knew it wasn’t going to happen. He still hadn’t quite figured out how he was going to get him to the hospital anyway, seeing as he didn’t have a car and if he had no way of calling an ambulance, he sure as hell couldn’t call a cab.

“So you get smacked with a possession charge. You wouldn’t do that much time. If it’s a first offence, it’ll be even less. It’s better than dying a slow, agonizing death.”

But the man shook his head. “I’ve got enough on me to get an intent to traffic charge.” He motioned to the nearby briefcase Todd hadn’t noticed.

“So we leave the briefcase here. Not a big deal.”

The stranger sighed. “Look, the drug charges are the least of my worries right now. Trust me, going to the hospital is not an option.”

“Why? What else did you do?”

“Never mind. It’s not important right now. Just no hospital. Okay?”

Todd thought for a few minutes. “You got a phone?”

“Why? Who are you planning to call?”

“My brother. He’s a doctor.”

The stranger looked at him, hesitant.

“You can trust him," though Todd wasn't so sure of his own words, it was all he could think to do.

The man hesitated. “I don’t even know if I can trust you.”

“Do you have a choice at this point? I mean, that briefcase is out of your reach. So what happens when you run out of what’s in the bag? Looks like you’re getting low to me. I bet you’ll be in a lot of pain once that stuff wears off.”

“I guess you have a point.”