Jul 24

Jul 24 Everything I'm Not

Everything I'm Not - book excerpt

Chapter 1

The four tiny feet of one plump rat scurried across a pair of flannel pants. The woman wearing them was lying on a slab of concrete. Her eyelids twitched as the tickling sensation started to wake her. She slowly opened her eye, just enough to let in some hazy light. Her irises rolled back and forth for a moment. She clenched her eyelids tight, then lifted her head off the floor, and opened her eyes fully.

As she regained consciousness, the reality of her environment began to set in. The tape over her mouth restricted her accelerated breathing. Her eyes finally began to focus. She looked down at the rat, which had paused in its journey, and her throat attempted a shriek at the sight. Her ankles had been taped, but she did the best she could to kick her legs. Both of her arms were bound together behind her back. She struggled to maneuver, gradually pulling her body up into a sitting position.

The woman took several deep breaths through her nose as she looked around the room. Cold tears rolled down her quivering cheeks. She couldn’t make out many details. Only one beam of light shined in from a miniature window near the ceiling. There didn’t seem to be much in the room besides some shelves on the nearest wall, and a broken chair discarded in the corner. An awful, musty smell lingered in the air. Other than the scratching of rodents and the distant trickling of water, the room was scarily quiet.

She sat alone in the dark, thinking, problem-solving. The only thing she could contemplate doing was to make her way to the shelves to try to find something, anything, that could help her situation. She used her heels and buttocks to scoot across the dusty floor until she approached the old wooden ledges. There wasn’t much on the bottom one, other than an old pair of shoes and a cardboard box. Both looked as if they had been there for a decade. The next shelf up was a little more promising. Four Mason jars sat in a row. They, too, appeared like they had been there for many years. She raised her brows, hopeful that a broken jar could help with the tape. If she could just knock one down.

The quiet was suddenly interrupted. Footsteps creaked on the wooden boards above her head. Clouds of dust drifted down with every step. The woman stopped moving, her heart rate doubled, and her breaths trembled. She listened as quietly as possible while the sound of the steps made its way across the room to the other side. It grew quiet again, only for a moment, then she heard keys. A padlock jostled on a door she couldn’t see. Another tear rolled down her face as she waited for the door to open.

***

Reagan gasped and sat up quickly on the sofa in her living room. Her heart was pounding hard enough to feel it in her throat. She took a deep breath and raised a hand to her chest, grateful that she was in her home. She looked at her watch and shook her head. When did I fall asleep? The complaints of a teenage girl filtered through from across the house. Reagan stood up and made her way down the hall. She approached the doorway of the unhappy adolescent with caution.

One by one, the shirts that comprised Emma’s wardrobe were being removed from the closet and returned with fury. She yanked another hanger off the rod and held the blouse up to her chest, looking in the mirror. Finally satisfied with what she saw, she slipped the shirt on and examined every possible angle in the mirror.

“Where are you going?” her mother asked from the doorway.

“Out,” Emma grumbled, not removing her gaze from the mirror. She grabbed a pair of shoes from the closet and slipped them onto her feet. Her mother’s burning stare practically forced her to look up. “What?”

Reagan tried to remain serious, but she suspected the worry consuming her began to show on her face nonetheless. “I just . . .”

“Mom, I don’t get you. What is your problem with Evan? I like him. He likes me. Are you going to question me every time I want to see him?”

“No, it’s just . . . I worry about you, that’s all,” Reagan replied.

“Why, because he’s eighteen?”

“That, and you’re sixteen, Emma. He just graduated. He’ll be going to college soon.”

“I know, mom. Is that all?” Emma snapped.

“Well, to be honest with you, I don’t like the way he talks to you. He’s a little arrogant and controlling.”

Emma shook her head and looked up at the ceiling. “He cares about me! You are unbelievable. You think you know everyth-”

“Stop it, Emma! That’s enough. You don’t talk to your mother that way. I’m sorry for questioning you, but I’m only doing it because I care about you. I don’t want you to get hurt,” Reagan said, dropping her head.

Emma rolled her eyes then looked back to her mom. They both remained silent, digesting each other’s words until Reagan could think of what to say next. Emma began picking at her nails, as if waiting for the next lecture.

“Have I ever told you how your dad and I met?” Reagan asked.

“You met at the mall, right?”

“Yes, but there’s more to it than that. I was a very quiet girl. I didn’t have many friends or much confidence in myself. Then I met your dad and, at first, I didn’t think that he could like, let alone love, someone like me. But after what he did for me, I knew in my heart that he loved me.”

“What did he do?” Emma asked.

“Well, I can tell you, but only if you have time to sit and talk with your mom.”

Emma looked down at her shoes and grinned, before gazing back up. “I guess we can talk for a little bit. I mean, I really don’t need to leave until six anyway.”

“Why were you getting ready so early?” Reagan asked.

“I don’t know. I’m bored I guess,” Emma replied.

Her mom chuckled and walked over to her daughter. “Well, come sit with me. I should just start from the beginning.”

Chapter 2

The Greenbriar Mall was the only one of its kind in Newbrook, Ohio, and about the only place in town where Reagan could work at that time. She hadn’t yet utilized her college education and had zero desire to flip burgers. Since receiving her degrees in art and business, she had spent two years trying to formulate a plan of what to do with them. Now she was starting to question why she had picked those majors in the first place. After all, art is a tough career to pursue.

Reagan wasn’t the only one struggling, though. The last decade had brought a steady economic decline to the small mid-western town, and its faithful citizens were starting to feel the impact. Reagan considered herself lucky to have a job at all. She had an apartment and a car, neither of which were in prime condition, but they fulfilled the requirements.

On this morning in December, the chill outside had frosted up her windshield. At first, she waited patiently in her driver’s seat for the car to warm up. But eventually, she gave in to the urge to use her windshield solution and wipers to speed up the process. Although she didn’t much like going to work, she liked the drive this time of year. The town that could seem so drab at times, found a way to look beautiful when decorated with Christmas lights. It almost had her convinced that things were going to get better.

Her life had been fairly uneventful up to that point. She was an only child, and a quiet one to boot. Her parents were always supportive, and quite invisible to the rest of the town. They lived the typical middle-class life – no mansion and no extravagant pool, but they had running cars, a roof over their heads, and food on the table. Reagan graduated high school with the third-highest GPA in her class and a couple of friendships that were sure to last a lifetime. Her senior prom was a girl’s night out for her and two friends. It was fun, but maybe not what one thinks of when they envision the prom.

She was living two hours away from her childhood home now, attempting to live the life of the independent child who has left the nest and started a glamorous life of their own. The truth, though, was that Reagan was still waiting on the glamor. Lost, lonely, and on the verge of moving back home, she was losing her ambition to follow the dream that had left her in debt.

***

Reagan walked into the mall and made her way to Katie’s, the small clothing store that provided her paycheck every other week. She worked with the same group of girls Monday through Friday, but only Jen ever seemed to notice her. The others were usually consumed by thoughts of their makeup or what episode was coming on that night. Needless to say, Reagan was anything but surprised when she strolled into the store and saw Beth, Tina, and Valerie gossiping about the latest town break-up. They all glanced at Reagan when she walked by, then returned to their conversation with synchronized smirks.

Jen was already in the break room, attempting to stuff her coat into her locker. She tucked the sleeve in three times, then tried to shut the door.

“Oh . . . my . . . God. What a piece of shit!” Jen shouted at the metal door. She lifted her head at the sight of Reagan’s shadow. “Damn, you scared the crap out of me,” Jen said, clutching her chest.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to,” Reagan said softly.

“It’s okay. Aren’t you excited for another day in this hell hole?”

Reagan let out a chuckle. “Yeah, I can’t wait.”

“What are the girls talking about this time? I can hear them from here.”

“I don’t know for sure, but it sounded like another break-up.”

“Oh God, give me a break. How many people can they possibly know in this town?” Jen said.

“A lot more than me, I guess.”

“That’s okay, you’re better off. Most people are assholes.”

Reagan grinned and opened her locker. She was used to Jen’s pessimism, perhaps realism. Whatever it was, Jen had developed a sort of “kiss my ass” attitude toward the world. Supposedly, she had been a completely different person as a teenager. According to Jen, she was shy and obedient, a far cry from the rough and tough new version of herself that Reagan knew. Reagan just assumed she got tired of trying to be perfect all the time.

The two of them meandered out to the floor to get ready for the day. The other girls had begun folding clothes and straightening up. Reagan made her way to one cash register and Jen stood at the other. The manager, Angie, usually arranged them like this. It was the perfect setup for utilizing their strengths. Of course, they were all content with the organization. Angie, while only being a few years older than the rest of them, was well experienced. She had started working there in high school and stuck around longer than the average employee.

A few hours into her shift, Reagan checked in with Jen to make sure she would be all right on her own for a few minutes. She walked back to the break room and collapsed into one of the chairs at the table. Her feet were grateful for the time off. For some reason, the store was exceptionally slow, considering the time of year. This seemed like the perfect opportunity to relax and have a quick bite to eat.

Of course, her moment of peace was short-lived, since Tina decided to take her break at the same time. Reagan looked up from her sandwich when she walked in the door, making uncomfortable eye contact. Tina quickly lifted her nose and made her way to the refrigerator. Reagan continued to eat and read her magazine in silence, until the shrieking sound of Tina’s phone filled the room. Reagan jumped a little in her seat at the sudden noise.

“Hello?” Tina answered. “I’m at work, Derek, I told you that.” She started giggling and twirled her hair. “Yeah, we’ll see about that later.” She laughed again and looked over at Reagan, who had glanced up for just a moment. “I can’t talk right now, I’ll call you later . . . yeah, I hear you . . . okay, I hear you . . . see you tonight.”

Tina shook her head and shut the refrigerator door before turning to face Reagan. She felt Tina’s eyes on her but continued to read her magazine anyway.

“That’s called a boyfriend, Reagan. Maybe you should try to get one, instead of reading about it all the time,” Tina said.

“I really don’t care what you think,” Reagan replied.

“Whatever, you’re so weird.” Tina rolled her eyes and walked out with her water.

A few minutes later, Reagan decided to walk back out to take over for Jen. She ignored the other girls on her way through the store and stepped back up to her cash register. “Was it busy?” she asked.

“No, not really.”

“I got this, if you wanna go now.”

“Thanks, girl. I’ll be right back,” Jen said.

“Take your time.”