Feelings Against the Law (A Stain On The Red Banner Book 2)

Book summary

In "Feeling Against the Law," Soviet students Seva and Zhenya defy societal norms to embrace their love, challenging a conservative society. As they treasure their fleeting moments together, newfound freedom brings unexpected consequences. Polina Krymskaya's second book delves into their love story amid a world at odds with their desires, exploring the delicate balance between love and sacrifice in a risky pursuit of liberation.

Excerpt from Feelings Against the Law (A Stain On The Red Banner Book 2)

Zhenya left, and Seva was left alone. At least, that’s what it seemed like to him when he was returning home from the station. But, despite the gloomy mood, everything turned out not so bad.

On the first day, Svetka dragged him out for a walk, managing to tactfully pretend that there had never been any Alina and no breakup. Seva thought with some relief that at least he would not sit at home all day as might be the dreary expectation of Zhenya.

Upon returning from the walk, he was met by an excited Sema, who with fiery eyes told him about how an eighth-grader, with whom he’d fought last month, was caught smoking on the toilet. Seva had to do his best not to tell his brother everything he thought about this. His efforts were rewarded. The conversation dragged on; they talked until it was night, as if making up for lost time for the past two years.

Both briefly talked about the events that had happened to him during this time, Seva limiting himself to a general news summary, even though Sema insisted on a detailed story about his relationship with Alina; then his brother described his adventures in all details. Seva envied him. There was nothing to tell him except about the meaningless and empty year of friendship with Dima and Rostik. Of course, there was a busy, extremely exciting, and eventful year with Zhenya, but it was necessary to keep silent about him. Seva only mentioned how they translated records together. Sema was impressed and until the morning they listened to Zhenya’s abandoned record, “The Beatles”, so that Seva could show off his impeccable (well, almost) English in front of his brother.

Since that night, they made a habit of spending time together. Sema had a lot of stories, enough for another ten years. Seva was puzzled as to why they hadn’t communicated for so long.

Every day the brothers seemed to get to know each other anew, and Sema even began to walk with friends less often, despite it previously being impossible to drag him home. Seva, in turn, showed him the garage. Sema had never been there before. There was no limit to his delight; he even declared that he’d now move here to live, so as not to share a room with Seva anymore. Seva laughed but hid the keys away just in case. After all, despite his love for his brother and the unwillingness to share such cramped quarters, the garage was his and Zhenya’s private place.

Seva’s free time, which he now had in abundance, wasn’t only spent with Sema. The company walked every day and only Pasha, who was preparing for admission, periodically dropped out of the group and stayed back to study. Rostik, who had graduated tenth grade with him and Zhenya, cared little about such trifles. He got a job as a handyman at a machine-building plant, and Alena, as Svetka told Seva after the disco, finally agreed to date him. As such, life seemed sunny and carefree to Rostik.

Walks with the group were replaced by conversations with Grandma, then he hung out in the garage with Sema again, and at night Seva stayed up late to work on another drawing. Life was in full swing; there was a lack of classes with Maria Viktorovna, but she left for the village, promising that she would notify him as soon as she arrived.

And, of course, he missed Zhenya. No matter how much fun Seva had and no matter how he occupied all his free time with friends and drawing, he missed Zhenya unbearably. Every morning he started with the thought, “I wonder how Zhenya is?” and every evening he ended with the same thought. And at night, Seva imagined their meeting again and the end of summer, which they would spend together … and after it, Zhenya would have to go back to Moscow, this time for a year. Seva tried not to think about it. He wanted only one thing: to see Zhenya, to tell him about everything that had happened, to hear his happy story about admission, to hug him tightly. Hope sometimes flashed in his head and heart that Zhenya wouldn’t enroll and decide to stay here for another year, but Seva immediately and annoyingly quelled them. He knew that Zhenya’s peace—of mind and self—was more important to him.

Seva thought that without Zhenya he would just go crazy, but it turned out that it was possible to continue life. He thought that he would miss Zhenya because he wouldn’t find anything to do without him, but it turned out quite the opposite. There was no free time. Then Seva realized an important thing: he missed Zhenya not because it was bad or strange being without him, but because it was even better with him. And this “better” began to lessen the pain in his chest.

Seva didn’t even know where he was or what was happening to him. Had he already passed the exams? Did he get in? Was he going to come back? The unknown scared him the most. Seva didn’t know what to do. To worry about Zhenya? To rejoice? On what days should he begin the day thinking of good things and luck? Or should he prepare for the worst and choose words of comfort? Just in case, he did everything at the same time—was happy, was worried, and wished for good luck.

They didn’t get in touch on Zhenya’s birthday, and Seva congratulated him only in his head. This was especially sad. Eighteen years was a significant event, and they had embraced it separately. Seva wished that the coveted admission to MSU would be a gift to Zhenya on this special day.

He even thought of what he would say when they finally met. In any scenario, Seva had something to say. He had plenty of time for this; the nights were still long. But all these pre-determined words flew out of his head at the same moment when, after a month of tedious waiting, the home phone rang and Sema, who’d managed to pick up the phone first, notified the whole apartment.

“Seva, Zhenya is calling you!”

Seva choked on water, spat what was remaining in his mouth into the sink, and threw the glass in the same place. There was a deafening ringing, but Seva didn’t even notice it. He covered the distance from the kitchen to the corridor in just a fraction of a second, snatched the phone from Sema’s fingers, and blurted in a voice hoarse with excitement, “Hello?”

Sema chuckled, shook his head, and went into the room so as not to eavesdrop.

“I did it! I passed, Seva, can you imagine? I’m going to study at MSU!”

Through the crackling and interference, Seva heard Zhenya’s happy voice. He didn’t fully understand what Zhenya was saying to him, he only guessed from the intonation that he needed to respond. “Congratulations!” And, after a pause, he added, “How are you? What did your parents say?”

“Parents?” Even though the voice was distorted by interference, it was clear that Zhenya was puzzled by his question. “They didn’t say anything. I haven’t called them yet. Listen, I don’t have much time. I’m calling to invite you to the summer house. Come in four days, on the twenty-third, on the first train after lunch. I’ll meet you on the platform. Will you come?”

Without hesitation, Seva promised, “Of course, I’ll come!”

“Great, I’ll be waiting!” Zhenya managed to say before they disconnected.

Seva didn’t doubt his answer. Of course, he would come. How could it be otherwise? Denis Ilyich, his father, didn’t ask anything anymore. To the summer house? To Zhenya? “Go ahead, son!” He only asked him to come back by the beginning of the school year.

But Seva would return even earlier. Thinking about Zhenya’s past words, he’d agreed to go to Odessa. He decided that he’d be bored when all his friends left and he was alone. He’d agreed to go with them, which meant he had to be in town at the beginning of August. However, after Zhenya’s call, Seva regretted his decision.

Four days later, he was shaking as he sat on the first suburban train after lunch and was nervously counting stations. Three stations left, two, one …

Arriving, Seva pushed his way to the door so as not to waste a single second of precious time. He saw Zhenya even before they stopped, and his heart jumped joyfully in his chest. From the train, driven by the flow of people, Seva was the first one to step out and immediately rushed to Zhenya. It wasn’t easy to squeeze through the crowd, and finding each other with their eyes, they just nodded and began walking to freedom.

Zhenya grabbed him by the crook of his elbow so as not to lose him and Seva, with difficulty, suppressed the desire to stay among people if only he’d not let go of his hand.

Once near the ticket offices, they were finally able to stop and catch their breath. Zhenya relaxed his fingers, and Seva barely restrained a disappointed sigh. He looked into Zhenya’s tanned, smiling face and exhaled. With utmost sincerity, he said, “I missed you.” After these words, he was embarrassed and immediately looked away.

Zhenya smiled wider, and the dimple on his chin was almost imperceptible.

“Me too.”

They stood for a while longer, casting timid glances at each other from under their eyelashes. Seva thought about how much he wanted that moment to linger, there and then, not caring about anyone or anything else, to hug him, to hold him so tightly that he would forget where he ended and Zhenya began, and never let go again. Maybe he’d have done so and spat on all the rules of decency and the sidelong glances of random passers-by, but Zhenya would certainly not have approved of this. That was why Seva continued to stand, squinting at the sun reflected from the window of the cash register, and from under his narrowed gaze, he looked at Zhenya as if for the first time. Only then did he realize how much time had passed, this short eternity without Zhenya. They had so much to discuss!

“Shall we go?” Zhenya finally suggested after two minutes of silent, locked gazes.

Seva nodded, adjusted the straps of his backpack, and was the first to head for the already familiar road. At first, among people and cars, they walked as before, in silence, but as soon as they turned onto a barely noticeable path overgrown with heather, both burst forth talking. Only one short phrase, thrown almost simultaneously, was enough. “Well, how are you?”

Interrupting each other, hurrying and stammering, they began to share the latest news, and Seva forced himself to be silent with a huge effort of will, rightly judging that his words could wait, but the story about admission to MSU could not. As usual, Zhenya related all the details, which were more about Moscow than about his admission. According to his intense gaze and enthusiastic descriptions, Seva realized that during the short time that Zhenya had stayed in the capital, he’d managed to fall in love with the city. It took everything to pretend that this didn’t upset him—like, if Zhenya didn’t like Moscow, he’d have stayed at home. Nonsense. Seva got angry at himself and squeezed the straps of the backpack harder. Zhenya liked Moscow and this was great! For the next five years, he’d feel in his element. … Five years.