Nineteen Days

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Nineteen Days - book excerpt

Day 1. At Sea. Afternoon.

Genevieve hated cruises. It was 3rd November at three o’clock, as the Australis Star sailed through the Heads with blasts of its horn and cheers from its passengers on the fourteenth deck. The Harbour Bridge and Opera House were miniature postcard portraits in the distance, as the ship entered the Tasman Sea and picked up speed towards New Zealand. Despite a sharp breeze sending infrequent gusts of spray onto the deck, it was hot and getting hotter. The bouncy voice of the young entertainment director blasted through a screeching microphone, exhorting everyone to join the SailAway dance competition, try the deck games, enter their names for Bingo or the hole in one golf competition, and treat themselves to a cocktail at one of the bars.

Genevieve didn’t want to do any of these things.

She didn’t want to be there, sitting on the deck trying not to hear the loud conversations of her fellow passengers, trying to empty her mind as Ella had advised. The noise made it impossible to read, and she’d moved from the sun into the shady part of the deck. It was more crowded here, and there was the smell of cigarette smoke and coconut oil, but at least the sun wasn’t pounding on the back of her head, and she could take her hat off to let her sweaty scalp breathe.

Snatches of conversation.

‘Where’s your cabin?’

‘We took a balcony suite this time, we’re on deck seven.’

‘What dinner sitting are you?’

‘Champagne, anyone?’

‘Nineteen days of this, eh?’

Genevieve saw the fattest person she’d ever seen. His wobbly flesh hung down under a black shirt as big as a tent, and he wore voluminous shorts that stopped below his knees. His calves and ankles were bloated, blotched, and dimpled with folded flesh, and his feet were squeezed painfully into cheap rubber thongs. His toenails were clean and neatly clipped. He had a boyish face, a head too small for his huge body, a tuft of light hair sticking up on his scalp, short back and sides like a little boy who’s just had a haircut. She’d seen him earlier, sitting in the lobby as people boarded, his apron of flesh slumping down around the chair. He had a perpetually eager expression, a half-smile, like a small boy eager to please. She noticed a beautiful young Chinese woman, broad flat cheekbones, and a wide smile. You’d feel safe telling her your stories, Genevieve thought.

She felt sick. The boat was swaying now, and the sea seemed rougher. The fat man was to the left of her sight line, and he was talking to someone, smiling. His voice was light and high. He was working hard to be liked. The fat protruded out over his hips like a massive, low pregnancy.

She thought she’d like to get to know him. She wanted to lie down, wanted to go home. She determined never to go on another cruise.

The problem with having nothing to do, the problem with trying to shut down your mind, Genevieve thought, is that it makes room for memories. They arrive quietly at first and then attack until you will do anything to kill them. Memories you don’t want leer up at you from forgotten darknesses in your past, demanding your attention. You want to erase them as you delete redundant files on your computer, but inside your mind there is no trash bin for memories. Ella said they must be faced and traversed, that they can’t be outrun. Past mistakes, choices made in haste and regretted, cruelties inflicted on others, the shooting and its aftermath played over and over in her mind.

One memory.

Noah darted away from them outside the police station in Seymour, and soon after she picked him up hitchhiking on the Hume Highway, going south to Melbourne. He came reluctantly to the car, hoping, she thought, to put his parents somewhere far behind him. She waited while he slumped into the seat and waited again while he fastened his seat belt. Then she drove him to the flat. She put him to bed in that filthy room, trying to ignore the bongs, the detritus of other drugs, and the half-eaten plates of food. She hugged him, told him she loved him, and drove home, sadness a solid lump in her throat and chest.

Two years later he left in an old van, and she spoke to him as he moved from Alice Springs, to the Pilbara, Kalgoorlie to a diamond mine in the Kimberley. He was made for that kind of life. Sitting with hardened blokes in pubs, drinking and smoking, talking too loudly, then crying on the phone because the latest girl left him. It was always the end of the world; there’d never be anyone else. Or else. ‘She was such a bitch, a psycho, Mum.’

Then Estelle came.

The fat man was alone now. Whoever he was trying to engage in conversation had left, and he was sitting by himself on a chair without arms, his layers of skin, like worn pillows, spilling over the sides. He still had the half smile on his face. Genevieve wanted to talk to him, but she was reticent with small talk and strangers. She stood and walked towards him, resolving if he didn’t meet her eye she would keep walking, get a coffee, find the ship’s library and something she could read.

But he made eye contact, mopped his brow with a big white handkerchief, and smiled that bright little boy smile.

‘What a warm day,’ he said, looking up at the perfect blue sky and around at the sunbathers by the pool.

The breeze lifted her hair from the back of her neck, and it felt like a caress.

‘Yes,’ she replied, ‘but it’s Sydney in Summer. It should be warm.’ She quailed under her own judgment. Why do you always have to be such a pretentious cow, Genevieve? She accused herself. Why not just agree, yes, it’s a warm day?

‘Are you doing the cruise alone?’ she asked.

‘I’m with a friend but he’s disappeared. I saw him talking to an attractive young woman a while ago, so yes, I’m alone at least for now. But I don’t mind. I don’t want to be the “third wheel.”’

He made imaginary quotation marks with his fingers when he said ‘third wheel,’ and giggled as if he’d made a joke.

‘What about you?’

‘I guess I’m alone.’

‘You guess?’

The high voice. He was listening.

‘I’m with my husband, but he’s been sick.’ She fell without thought into the lie.

‘He bought the cruise for me to thank me for caring for him.’

That’s as good a reason as any, she thought.

‘Ah!’ He was interested now, and she was starting to like him in the hopeful way you have that someone may help you mark out the empty hours a little faster.

‘Let’s say I’m a competent carer, but sometimes less than gracious and occasionally resentful.’

Why did I say that?she reprimanded herself. But it was as if she had told him she liked porridge for breakfast. It registered, but it was unremarkable.

‘Where is he? Your husband, I mean?’

‘In the cabin. He hates crowds and noise, and he needs a lot of rest. I’ll check in with him soon.’

‘It must be lonely for you.’

How did he know that? Genevieve wondered. Has he also been in a long relationship whose dynamic has folded into silence?

‘I guess so. It’s a little lonely.’

‘Anyway, my name’s Thomas, Thomas McNaughton,’ the man said, reaching out a pudgy hand.

She took it and said, ‘I’m Genevieve. Genevieve Bennet.’

‘Bennet, as in Pride and Prejudice?’ he asked.

She smiled at that. He read Jane Austen too. They sat there together. When the waiter arrived Genevieve ordered a lemonade, and he a triple vanilla nut sundae with chocolate topping. She tried not to watch him eat it.

***

He was there again that evening, in the same chair on the deck, wearing an enormous yellow and purple Hawaiian shirt, the same black shorts and Velcro strapped sandals. He smelled clean, and his face shone as if he had scrubbed it. He gestured to the chair beside him, and Genevieve took it. She could make an excuse and hurry away if she felt uncomfortable. It was cooler now, and the deck was less crowded.

‘Nice shirt,’ she observed. ‘Thank you. I’m dressed for dinner.’ The high-pitched giggle again.

‘Have you…?’ they both spoke at once, then laughed awkwardly.

‘Have you been doing anything interesting?’ he tried again.

‘Unpacking. Reading. You?’

‘Sitting, hoping someone would come for me to talk to.’

They were two loners on the edge of the crowd, strangers, outcasts even, drawn together in their solitude.

***

The thoughts that occupied her were of fathers deprived of their children. In the cooler evening, children played in the pool. There was a tiny girl in floaties and a big pink hat, laughing into her father’s face as he dipped her in and out of the water. Everywhere, it seemed, there were little girls with their fathers. It was as if she sought them out, always waiting for the clutch of grief in her chest and stomach,grief for her granddaughter whom she hadn’t seen for months, grief for Noah, her son, who had wanted to be with his child.

‘Go back to the Kimberley for a year, love,’ she’d said. ‘You know you can get work there and afterwards Estelle may have softened.’

‘No, Mum,you don’t get it. I want to see my daughter. I want to be her father. I don’t want to miss out on any time in her life. I’m not going away again.’

‘Do you have children, Thomas?’

‘No, unfortunately I never had the chance. Have you?’

‘Yes, a son and a granddaughter.’

Had a son, she reminded herself.

‘Tell me about them.’

She glanced at him sharply. Why did he need to know about her family? Was he a journalist? Writing a book about cruise ship passengers? Or just nosy? But there was nothing in his boyish face except interest.

So she told him a little about Noah, his turbulent past, and his custody fight with the mother of his child. But she didn’t tell him the worst. Not then.

‘That’s a lot for you to carry, Genevieve,’ he said.

‘Yes, it is.’

Again they were silent until a text pinged on her phone. It was Peter, wanting to meet for a drink and dinner. Genevieve was a little reluctant to leave Thomas. She’d enjoyed talking to him. Her words seemed to meet his soft, spongy exterior and seep into it. She found herself relaxing with him. Even the silences were restful.

‘Are you going to dinner?’ she asked.

‘I think I’ll get the waiter to bring it out here for me. I’m sure the buffet will be overcrowded and the spaces in the dining room will be too tight. Most chairs are too small for me. You’ve noticed, I’m sure, that I’m rather large. Besides, I should wait and see if my friend joins me.’

‘You could join me and Peter.’

‘Thanks anyway, Genevieve, but I’m perfectly fine here.’

‘What time are you going to breakfast?’ Thomas asked as she rose.

‘Early. I want to walk a few laps of the deck before it fills up with joggers.’

‘Would you care to meet around seven for a coffee?’

He glanced at her nervously. She could see what this gesture cost him. No doubt his friendship had often been rejected. His physical presence was a distraction, an embarrassment, easily judged and criticised. But she enjoyed being with him.

‘Okay, see you here at seven.’