On Always Being An Outsider - Jennifer Schneider

On Always Being An Outsider by Jennifer Schneider

Book excerpt

15 reasons why I would prefer not to say

I know what they’re up to. The experts. The earnest _MDs__. The _COs_. All _OCD_. I tell them that I still have rights. That my past is not my present. That tense is often private. First person sometimes means one person. That my story is not for public consumption. That I’m thirsty. Tired. Torn. That I’d rather not participate – and then they tell me to write down why.

15 Reasons Why I Would Prefer Not To Say

1. loneliness often comes in layers. layers of second-hand button-front cardigans and sidewalk Ts (three for $10). cotton fabric that holds the scent – breathe, air, life – of lost love. unhemmed edges. frayed tags. not all layers age well. not all that is well ages. I missed him.

2. loneliness often comes in waves. waves of seaside storms and sidewalk streams. waves of salty tears and momentary tears of joy. waves of memory – memories that linger. then wrap their collection of moments around a heart desperate to dance. To Bruce. Garfunkel. Beastie Boys.

3. loneliness often lingers. Beyond location. East Coast. West Coast. North. South. Beyond time zones. EST < -- > PST. Beyond expiration dates. month/day/year. pantries still house elbow macaroni and creamed corned cases. cans of adobe sauce and sardines. preferred flavors. favored habits. Vacuum-sealed. memory locked. mine. ours.

4. loneliness has a scent. sweet. sweaty. salty. lingering scents attract flies. swat.

5. sometimes flies buzz. loudly. sometimes flies watch. silently.

6. most household flies / some household guests - are pests.

7. sometimes pests appear perfect.

8. sometimes perfection is performative. kind acts (flowers / bus fare / fair tickets) sometimes conspire (perform / comply / require)

9. not all performances are planned. intended. informed.

10. pests persist. pests plead. pests plan. pests pounce.

11. loneliness inspires premature decisions. Yes, Thank You, Of Course, Come In.

12. premature decisions instigate loneliness. No, No Thank You, Of Course Not, Leave, Stop.

13. locked in loops. not all stops / swats stick.

14. not all sticks / pests surrender. not all shields are defenses. not all defenses are documented.

15. i’d prefer not to document any longer. sometimes loneliness is loveliness. captured. preferred. chosen. comfortable.