Breathe With Me

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Book excerpt

Chapter One

Emberly

The warm summer air gusted over my face as I rushed into the hospital in my typical late fashion. My stomach was in knots when I saw my administrator, Linda sitting at the desk just inside the doors. My nerves seemed to intensify when her brown eyes narrowed at me, the sharp tips of her blue painted fingernails rhythmically thrumming against the desktop.

Shit. I was in serious trouble this time.

All my life I’ve been falling behind.

My eyes snagged at the clock that hung above the wall behind Linda’s head and I grimaced when I read that it was well past eight in the morning, when my shift was scheduled to start.

It wasn’t that I wanted to be late, time just got away from me sometimes.

I could see in my boss’s eyes what she thought of me. I felt her judgmental stare upon my face and I knew what she must have been thinking of me.

I was careless, irresponsible maybe even rude. But that wasn’t true, not even a little bit.

I was a neonatal nurse and it was the most fulfilling job- at least in my book. It was why I woke up in the morning. Caring for the little munchkins in the wing upstairs filled my days with warmth, with light. The excitement of the next milestone I had the privilege of sharing with the families that trusted me with their little ones made my shifts fly by in a rush of smiles, laughter and little miracles.

Even my worst days were worth it because I had them.

“You have been late every day this week.” She muttered, disapproval evident in her tone. Nodding, my head dropped below my shoulders.

I really didn’t want to lose this job.

“I know, Linda. I’m sorry.” She nodded, but the frustration in her eyes didn’t falter.

“You need to try to be on time, Emberly. We need you here on time.”

Shifting on my feet, I knew she was right. I was without a car right now and I had a fifteen minute drive as it was to work. Now, having to commute by bus, I was lucky if I got here within the hour.

Though lately, I hadn’t been having much luck.

A few minutes later, I was walking up the third flight of stairs and toward the nurses desk just outside of the Ni-cu. The smell of baby powder littered the air and the scent calmed me instantly.

A head with long, wavy hair was tipped down as I approached and I smiled. Ashlee was a nurse, just like me but she was also more. She was the head nurse of this floor and a damn good one at that.

She was also my best friend in the world.

“Hey, girl.” Her head lifted and her face lit up with a smile.

“Hey, back.”

I was grateful that she didn’t mention my lateness as she handed me my rounds sheet for the day.

“We’re down one nurse today so I may need you to work for an extra few hours today, is that okay? I’m sorry to ask but-”

I shook my head, scanning the page for my first patient. Jenna James, the newest mother on the floor.

The young woman had given birth to a beautiful little boy that had yet to be named. Her and her husband had trouble conceiving their first child and it was a treat for us to see them with their little boy. He was so damn cute.

“Don’t worry about it, Ash. I don’t mind. I’m going to start my day.”

She nodded, smiling in the way that she always did, brightening the whole room with just one smile. The air around her seemed to lift when the happiness spread over her face and inwardly, I warmed at the sight.

She was such a happy person.

Sometimes I wished I could be more like her.

Moving away from the nurses desk, I headed down the hall toward my first patient’s room. We had placed her as close to the nursery as possible at her husbands request.

“Good morning, Jenna. How are you feeling this morning?” Jenna was sitting up in bed when I entered and her husband looked up from where his sights had been obviously set on her.

“I’m good, thank you. When can I see my baby?”

I smiled, moving to her side and lifting her thin wrist in one hand in order to check her vitals.

“I’ll bring him in as soon as I check your vitals.” My fingers applied pressure to her pulse point and I listened to her deep, even breaths as she excitedly recounted the birth of her son, her eyes going to her husband when he whispered something I didn’t quite here.

These moments were so important to their little family and stepping back, I was careful not to intrude on them.

“I’ll go get your boy, now. I’m sure he is eager to see you” She smiled and the expression takes over her whole face.

“Hello, sweet pea” I gently crooned down to baby joy James as I carefully slid my hand behind his head and lifted him against me, my hands cradling his tiny body as he awoke.

“Your mom and dad are very excited to see you today. They have waited a long time for you, do you know that?” He looks at me, so innocent, so beautiful.

As he clenches his tiny fists into my hair and tugs with surprising strength, I pulled back, shock and amusement filling me.

Damn, this boy was strong. I opened the door to Jenna’s room gently with my shoe and heard her audible gasp when she saw the little boy in my arms.

“Oh, Scott, he’s so beautiful.” 

“He is.” I heard her husband mutter, quietly, as if he was speechless at the sight. With care, I lowered him into her arms and smiled softly, watching the lovely sight of her holding her baby for a moment.

Time lapses as they shared their moment and checking her vitals, along with the baby’s once more I silently left them to enjoy their morning together.

Would I ever have what they had?

As I walked toward the nurse’s desk where I’d find Ashlee, I couldn’t help the fleeting thought that gave way to a flutter of hope that loosened my chest from the loneliness I lived with, day after day. It was easier this way or at least, that’s what I’d been telling myself for years now. The problem was, I wanted more. My heart was mended from the pain of my past and a part of me wondered if it was time to open up, again. To let love in, if it found it’s way into my seemingly empty heart. On a heavy sigh, I shook my head at myself, knowing that I wasn’t ready to open up, again. Not yet.

Chapter Two

Hudson

Fucking great.

I tore a hand roughly through the hair at my head and hurried inside the briefing room.

 I was late.

“Nice of you to join us, Lennox.”

My sergeant, Nicholas Reed spoke the second I cleared the glass doors to the room and inwardly, I cringed. He was not a man you wanted to cross.

“Sorry, Sir.”

I took a seat and quieted for the duration of his briefing, not wanting to piss him off all the more.

Being a cop was who I was. Through and fucking through.

My father wanted more for me than being a cop. To go to college. To earn a degree in engineering, as he had. To meet a nice country girl and pop out a few babies. I couldn’t lie to myself, now, after one too many nights of hot, nameless sex and a boat load of booze, the idea of finding a young, pretty thing to settle down with sounded damn good.

My father, being the man he was, stood back and let me make the choice that had been right for me at the time. I tipped my head up once more and the tips of my fingers slid along the badge that was pinned to my left side pocket.

“Alright, you are dismissed. I expect each of you to update me on your open cases by Monday. Be safe, men”

We all stood in respect as he moved from the room and I swore I felt his hard gaze on my back as he did. A large hand clapped my shoulder and I looked to see my best friend and partner, Tristan Donovan standing beside me.

He was a cocky son of a bitch and the knowing smirk plastered over his smug face told me my late arrival hadn’t gotten past him.

Shaking my head at him and waving him off, I grinned. He was more of a brother to me than much else.

“You going to meet me at the pub later? The boys have been missing you.”

A hard laugh left me as I nodded. I’d been putting off going back into the bar we usually frequented after shift and I was sure he knew why. A woman I’d fucked not too long ago had been holed up there and rumor was, she’d been asking for me. I had a feeling on the night I brought her home she may have  had a screw loose but I let it go, not thinking very clearly at the time.

“Yeah, I’ll be there. Pretty sure Crazy is gone by now, you think?”

The amusements clouds his eyes as he chuckles, the rich sound loud in the otherwise silent station. The rest of the officers had gone home for the day and it was just the two of us left.

A glance outside told us that he was out of ear shot while he smoked his end of day cigar.

“Look, there is something I mentioned to the sergeant that I’m going to need your help with.” I heard Tristan’s usually amused voice go quiet with concern and I nodded.

“What you need?”

“Lennox.” The authoritative voice boomed from the doorway and I looked up, straightening my relaxed posture at the sound of his voice.

“ Sir?” He took one last slow pull of the cigar in his hand before casting it aside and clearing the buildings door as he spoke,again.

“Come to my office, I need to speak with you.”

Nodding, I grabbed my cell phone from the desk I’d been sitting at and paused momentarily to spare a glance behind me.

“Talk later, man.” Tristan nodded his head in acknowledgment and it was affirmation enough for me. I turned to follow Reed into his office, my gut tightening with the instinct that something was up with both men.

“Close the door behind you and sit down.”

I did, a knot of bewildered tension coiling inside at the grave tone his voice took.

Sitting down in a chair in front of his desk, though I would have rather pace the room instead.

I could count the number of times he’d pulled me into his office on one hand and none of them had been under these circumstances.

He was either about to tell me something I wouldn’t like or he was going to fire me. Since the latter was laughable, I steeled myself for whatever he was about to lay on me.

“Now as you know, your time is coming up again for a vacation.”

I frowned, both surprised and annoyed at the reminder. I wasn’t very good with taking time off from this place.

My mind went in a million different directions if I didn’t have something to focus on during the day and it sort of drove me mad. I didn’t mind the three days I had off each week but that was mainly because I often worked twelve to twenty four hour shifts. If it weren’t for those three days, I would be a fucking zombie.

I didn’t need a vacation.