Tell Me You Love Me

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Tell Me You Love Me - book excerpt

1: Phoenix

I watched her silently, always in the shadows, never letting her catch sight of me. God. If she did, I wasn’t sure what she would do. Or what I would.

The woman I’d become after leaving her was no longer the one she’d one adored, or possibly loved, even. I was unhinged without her.

Frantic. Obsessed with her, almost to the point of no return.

I'd let my past lure me away from her, and she’d been hurt in the process. The loss of me from her life had almost broken the beautiful girl before me, and all I could do was stand by and watch. Hayley was so good, so naïve and innocent to the dark place this city could be. New York City wasn’t the glamorous, awe-inspiring place they often showed on television and in movies. No, it was home to the darkest side of crime. Rapists. Murderers. Perverts.

I knew that firsthand. I would never allow that side of my life to touch her. Never.

Somewhere, somehow, this sweet redhead had gotten under my skin. While every other woman I’d slept with had been a passing interest (if that), Hayley had always been more. I’d let her past my walls. Dated her, even. The almost two years we’d been together had… changed me.

That was the only way I could describe it. The life I’d been born into, however, wasn’t fond of attachments to anyone from the “outside world,” as they so aptly referred to those who weren’t privy to the dark, seedy underworld of the New York Syndicate. I knew trying to keep Hayley from their always present eyes would be a waste of time: they saw everything. My father had eyes on all of us, even when we didn’t know it. It would only be a matter of time until they found out about her.

And when inevitably they did, well. I had yet to see another way to protect her. So, I lied. I lied to push her away. In doing that, I’d broken that heart that always had loved the broken in me. The sad, lonely little girl I once had been. Even the salacious slut I was in the bedroom. She loved all the parts of me, even those that I thought were too depraved, too dark to see the light of day.

Hayley had saved me in more ways than one, and she didn’t even know it.

I watched, rapt, as her long red hair blew into her face, her head tossed back as she laughed at something her friend said. Dialing in on the camera in my hands, I noticed a flash of black ink scrawled down her wrist, and my chest caved in at the sight.

My baby girl hated needles. Had she really been so angry at me that she would go to such lengths? And what kind of tattoo had she gotten to help rid me from her heart? I had to know, I realized.

I had to know every little piece and part of her, or I would go crazy.

But if it were possible, I had to make her see I wasn’t the same girl who'd left her, six months ago. I wasn’t completely rid of El Famiglia or their dark influences that had kept me from her before, but I was hell-bent on breaking their hold on me as soon as I possibly could.

Hopefully, with her by my side.

***

Turn around.

My mind warred with my heart in an inner battle I knew I’d never win. My heeled boots clicked across the hardwood floors of the local dive bar that Hayley seemed to love, now that she’d reached legal drinking age. Smiling to myself, I remembered the first time she had tasted a sip of my beer, and the tart face she’d made at the taste.

That’s gross. How does everybody drink that? She'd snapped the words at me from across my kitchen island on one of our first nights together, her eyes filled with sass, but I’d just rubbed my lips over her temple as I whispered, you’ll get used to it. But if the margarita in her hand was any indication, I doubted she ever had.

I’d seen the blonde waitress from my spot across the street, leaning her scarcely-covered tits over the table my baby girl sat at with her friend, Rachel. Hayley didn’t bat an eye, never having been one to fall for the type of easy girls who threw themselves at her feet, like this one.

My good girl.

“You know, my shift gets off in a few minutes. Maybe I could join you girls for a drink or two.” The waitress’s raspy voice hit my ears like sandpaper and, annoyed already, I tried to breathe through the sudden urge I had to rip open the little dress Hayley had on and bury my tongue in her pussy, right where it belonged. I’d claim her, right there where she sat.

I couldn’t help myself as I quickened my steps in order to get to her. And even if she hated me, she wouldn’t show it in front of all of these people- I knew that. She loved me too much to do that. No way would she admit that particular truth, though.

They didn’t see me at first, but once her friend saw a flash of my ink and my piercings, I saw the recognition dawn in her eyes before anger took its place. Not surprising after how I’d left town.

“Sorry, honey. She’s taken.” Brushing my way-too-long bangs away from my eyes, I stared the waitress down, letting my possessive, more like obsessive nature come out. I watched, amused as she grappled with her pen and paper as if she was just taking their order, like any other customer in this bar. Like she wasn’t trying to get her nails into the pretty, blue-eyed woman in the booth in front of me.

Pressing my back against the booth they sat in, I wrapped a firm hand around Hayley’s lush hip and took my time in watching the surprise and relief fill her ocean eyes before a mask of indifference took its place.

“Miss me, baby girl?” I whispered the words in her ear as I wrapped my fingers around her throat with just enough possession to show her that she wasn’t going anywhere unless I wanted her, too. I may have been gone physically from her life, but my hold on her hadn’t gone anywhere. She was still my woman. My heart.

“Y-yeah.” Playing the part, she leaned her head against my shoulder, her eyes filled with fire as she stared up at me as if she wanted to put a knife through my chest, right then. If she wanted to fight, we’d fight. I knew she wouldn’t go easy on me after how I’d let her down. But I wasn’t about to let her give this agitating trash an ounce of hope for anything to happen. As Hayley rested against me and blinked those pretty, blue eyes at me, I relaxed some; knowing I had her in my arms, again. That was until she opened that bratty mouth of hers.

“I’ll wait for you to get off, honey.” I didn’t turn my head to see the Cheshire- cat smile I was sure spread over blonde’s face. I just shook my head at the girl in my arms; hoping she knew what was coming her way the minute I got her alone.

“You’re gonna pay for that, little one.”

***

She hated me. I saw it in her eyes as I opened the door of the bar for her and led her toward my SUV that sat across the street, the seemingly perfect spot to watch her, from afar.

What was I? A stalker, now? I internally asked myself, unsure where or when I’d crossed that line, into obsessively watching her. I guessed it was only natural. Leaving the person you love was by far the hardest choice anyone could make. If watching her gave me even an ounce of relief from that pain, I’d take it, gladly.

Because being without her completely wasn’t something I could do, anymore. I needed a piece of her. A part of her to carry with me, each and every day I worked to get myself out of the grasp of my father and El Famiglia. They weren’t too keen on letting me go, though. Which meant I had to bide my time and find a way to be free of their world. At one time, it was all I’d ever known.

Drugs.

Violence.

Blood.

Death.

Hayley was different. She was bright and happy. She was filled with light and excitement for the future. I wanted that, with her, I realized. I wanted to be her future.

“You got tinted windows?” She’d given me the silent treatment since we’d left the bar and that was what she commented on. Shaking my head at her, I tried to hide my smile as I nodded, opening the passenger side door for her and waiting until she was buckled in to lean in close, my lips just inches from hers when I answered her.

“I left you to protect you, baby girl. I needed to hide in plain sight and these,” I knocked lightly on her window, earning myself a look of annoyance from her.

“-These do the job.”

“Protect me from what?” Her question was a whisper, a plea for me to tell her everything.

God, how I wished I could. If El Famiglia got wind that I was here, with her, they wouldn’t hesitate in issuing a hit on her head. Outsiders had no place in our lives, that was something they lived by. And if I broke that rule, I was as good as dead, anyway. Because if this girl left me, I wasn’t sure how I could live with the knowledge that I’d just been too weak to stay away, from her.

How could I live with knowing that she’d been hurt because of me?

“Of course, you’re not saying anything. You never open up. Nothing’s changed.” On a huff of disbelief, Hayley turned her face from mine, reaching into her bag and pulling her kindle out of it- effectively shutting me out from knowing what she was thinking, how she was feeling.

“I want to open up to you, baby. But it’s not that easy. I need you to trust me.” Fisting a handful of her lush curls, I tugged her face back to mine, firm fingers of my other hand reaching for her chin to ensure she couldn’t get away from me, so easily, now.

“Then tell me why, Nix. Please.” My heart ached so hard I was sure it was splintering as she held my face in her hands and begged me with her eyes, the sparkle of tears there having the ability to break my resolve if she let them fall.

But I couldn’t risk it. I had to do this right. I had to find a way to get out from under my father’s thumb and once I did that, I would tell her everything. I wouldn’t hold anything back.

I just needed a little more time.

“I can’t, baby girl.”

2: Hayley

I hated her.

From her perfect smile and pretty, honey eyes to the flawlessly pressed flannel shirt she wore. I hated the way my skin sparked to life when she touched me, the way I couldn’t help but look at her whenever she was close. Most of all, I hated that I still loved her.

I didn’t want to do this, again. I didn’t want to be here, in her space, again.

I had moved on. Or at least, in the ways I could. When Phoenix and I had been together, I was still in school, studying human services with hopes to be a guidance counselor, one day. That was always what I’d wanted to do. To help young, struggling girls like I once was.

After losing Nix, I put everything I had, all of my focus, my energy into graduating early and finding a job right away. I’d wanted to work at the high school near me, but when Rachel suggested applying to a local LGBTQ Youth Center, I gave it a chance.

Now, that place felt more like home than any job ever had, before. There, I was Mom to the girls and boys I helped, each and every day. Some days, that meant counseling and group therapy. Other days, that meant trips to local museums and basketball games to get their minds off of the lonely and sometimes scary lives they lived outside of the center.

And I’d done all of that without Phoenix. Now that she was back, I shouldn’t be this sad, lonely girl, anymore. I shouldn’t be clinging onto every word she gave me, hoping for something to have changed for her; for us. I shouldn’t be hoping she’d come back because she felt even a fraction of the obsessive and often nonsensical love, I always had for her.

Thick, stinging tears built up behind my eyes as I realized I couldn’t let her in, again. Shouldn’t. Because she’d leave, again. And then, I’d be left with nothing.